I’ve been watching this TV show for 5 weeks now. It is thought provoking on so many levels. While watching this weeks episode ON DEMAND as I ate my breakfast this morning, I found the quote for today’s blog. The grandfather tells his oldest son “You choose being good over being yourself.” Such a deep thought from a TV program but as a former people pleaser it rings true to the way some of us choose to engage the world.
The son’s character is a public servant, works in the DA’s office I think, and is heavily invested in his label as “THE GOOD ONE”. Sounds like it would come with all kinds of great side benefits, right? But it so doesnt! For most of my adult years, I accepted and polished the title given to me early on by my dad as “THE GOOD ONE”. I cared deeply about earning his praise and “doing the right thing”. I spread that habit all over the other portions of my life. I carried it with me into a marriage, I carried it with me into motherhood, into my job and into all of my interpersonal relationships.
The thing about being good vs being yourself is that it feels really heavy. I’ve been described during those years as a chameleaon or a shape shifter because there was no true identity to me as a person. I was looking for what would make the person in my prescence think I was good. That’s exhausting work and I’ll tell you from experience the people you are trying so hard to get praise from DO NOT like you more for the effort you are expending.
So you end up exhausted. Resentment grows because your BODY (the authority on all things YOU) can feel that you are out of sync. And praise gets hard and harder to come by as the people you seek it from no longer offer it. It is a losing proposition for everyone.
My sister used to invite me to be my whole self. She promised me that the people I’d been seeking praise from would like me BETTER if I showed them my authentic self. Just the idea filled me with fear and for years I was not willing to make that leap of faith. Life and circumstances have a way of offering you multiple opportunities to grow. Fast forward thru some bumpy years and I found myself at a precipice. I could keep living this people pleasing life and hating myself, which manifested itself with food and weight gain, OR, I could gather my courage and show myself. Scary, yes! Worth the leap, ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!
So, be good vs being you? It’s a no brainer really. If you are a people pleaser and want to learn to be authentic, I’ve gathered this massive collection of tools that I’d love to share with you. Come on over to authenticity! It feels like freedom. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave a comment below.
Love you my Voluptuous Beauties! Mean It!!!!
Melinda Sohns, Weight and Life Coach
Certified by The Life Coach School
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